Shouldn't Have
by VeryRachelBerry
Summary: After the kiss at Nationals, Rachel and Jesse go to coffee. "You shouldn't have kissed him." He repeated. "He's just a boy, Rachel. He's just a boy! Do you honestly think he's the one? Do you really think he can make you happy?" Rated T for minor swearing
1. Honey and Chai

**I literally started this with the first sentence, completely unsure of what was going to happen and what it was about. I just sat down, wrote the first sentence and didn't stop typing from there. I'm not really sure how I was expecting it to come out but this certainly wasn't it. I think I like it though.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from Glee. If I did, St. Berry never would have ended and I'd be on the show, but unfortunately, that's not the case. A girl can dream though.**

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><p>"You shouldn't have kissed him."<p>

They were sitting in a small coffee shop, just down the street from Nationals. The rest of the New Directions were still in the lobby, wallowing and being sad but Rachel had followed Jesse out as he led her to get a drink. She sipped at her honey and chai tea and didn't reply.

"I understand that any good performer gets lost in a performance and puts their all into it, but when you do so you have to keep it appropriate. Obviously that song was full of passion but there was no reason for you to display all of it for the judges to see. Now you didn't even place over some silly kiss that didn't mean anything."

Rachel was still silent, staring out the window as she watched New Yorkers quickly pass by.

"It didn't mean anything, right?"

She let out a sigh.

"I don't know."

"Of course you know, Rachel. We all know that it meant something to him, but so does blowing up zombies in video games."

Rachel glared at Jesse.

"He's not stupid, you know."

"Well he isn't the smartest either." Jesse responded.

They held their gaze across the table until Rachel finally spoke again.

"I never hated you. I was supposed to but…I didn't."

"Do you love him?"

"I was angry, I was upset, but I never hated you. I just couldn't. Because…"

"Answer me, Rachel."

"Because I would have done the same thing. If it were my career, my title, my scholarship on the line, I would have done the same thing. It's lonely at the top, that's what I've always told myself and sometimes you have to hurt people to get there. I try not to, I thought maybe I could get around it, but I can't."

"I didn't do it for the scholarship." These words were spoken much quieter than the ones before.

"Don't tell me that." She blinked back tears.

"I didn't do it for the title."

"Stop it." She pulled her head away, trying to focus on something, anything, than the man in front of her.

"I didn't even do it for my career or dream."

"Jesse," she whispered his name, a plea not to go further.

"I'm sorry that I knew her longer. I'm sorry that she took me under her wing. I'm sorry that she accepted me and helped me. But don't think for one second that she ever loved me. She didn't."

"Jesse, _please."_

"I'm not a step ahead of you like you might think. I'm not really anything to her except for a talented kid that did whatever she said in hopes of finally having someone say good job."

Though his eyes were not watering and his voice was not quivering, Rachel knew that he was hurting. She knew that it meant something. Jesse was never one for showing emotion but that didn't mean he didn't feel it.

"I shouldn't have hurt you. I shouldn't have lied to you. I shouldn't have used you. I shouldn't have done all those things and more but most of all, I shouldn't have fallen in love with you."

"That's enough." She pressed. She didn't want to hear these things. Why did he have to make everything harder for her?

"I shouldn't have let myself get so close to you. Rachel, you know more about me than anyone else in the world. You have my absolute being right there in the palm of your hand."

"Will you just _stop it?"_ The words came out strangled and broke, cracking at the end. Rachel closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She wanted a glass of water.

Instead she gripped her tea tighter, though she didn't take a drink.

"You shouldn't have kissed him." He repeated. "He's just a boy, Rachel. He's just a boy! Do you honestly think he's the one? Do you really think he can make you happy? What about all of the times he made you sad? Heart broken? Depressed? Angry? Frustrated? Furious? Confused? Hurt? Useless? Is that even worth it? Do you want to go through all of that again for the next year, the next year that's the most important for jump starting the rest of your life? I'm not telling you to get back together with me. I'm not telling you to love me. I'm not telling you to choose me over him. I'm just trying to tell you that it's not right, Rachel! He's not right for you! And how, _how_ can you give him so many god damn chances and yet you won't even listen to me, just listen to me? I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm sorry. But I came here for you and only you, hoping that maybe you could see me and think, "He's better, he's changed. He's a good person now. He cares." But instead you kissed him. You kissed him and you ruined everything. And now you're just going to go back to your stupid hotel and get on that stupid plane, hold hands with him the whole way home, then let your whole life revolve around him for the next year _if _he even stays with you that long."

Rachel didn't say anything. Instead she stared down at her lap where her shaking hands sat, gripping each other.

"You don't honestly think he's going to follow you here, do you?"

She glared down at her hands, the knuckles of which had gone white.

"He's not going to make it. And you won't either if you let him hold you back."

Her vision was turning blurry and she tried her best to hold back the tears threatening to spill over.

"You were made for New York, Rachel. You can't let some stupid boy take that away from you. You've worked for this your whole life!"

A tear slipped out and ran down her cheek before dropping onto her hand.

She didn't wipe it away.

"Don't throw this all away, Rachel."

Finally she looked up and wiped away the tear and the ones that followed it angrily.

"Like you threw me away?" She asked viciously.

"I'm not trying to hurt you, Rachel." His tone was softer.

"Well you're doing a pretty good job of it anyway." She laughed bitterly.

He looked at her, I mean, _really _looked at her. The red around her eyes, the tear she missed, the strap of the dress she still hadn't changed out of falling down her shoulder, the stray hair that had escaped its place tucked behind her ears, her quivering lips that had been pressed against _Finn Hudson's _only an hour before.

"Do you love him?" He asked again, so quietly he thought maybe she wouldn't hear. She did.

"No."

She scooted back her seat and walked out of the coffee shop, quickly disappearing into a crowd of strangers, leaving him there with a full cup of coffee and an almost full honey chai tea, the only evidence that anything had even happened.

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><p><strong>AN: I would really like some feedback on this because I'm not quite sure what I think. Part of me really likes it and the other part is just like, "What on earth did you just write?" **


	2. Daisy

**At first this was just meant to be a oneshot but after the reviews that you guys sent me, I realized, "Hey, people actually liked it!" Several of you requested more, so I thought about it and it actually ended up working out. Thanks for the feedback you guys, I hope you like this chapter as much as you liked the first! Sorry that there isn't really any Jesse here but I'm thinking of doing one more chapter and it'll focus on him and Rachel again. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of its characters.**

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><p>"What were you feeling in that moment?"<p>

They were sitting on the floor in the library when Rachel asked the question. Since New York and the kiss and coffee with Jesse, her mind had been in constant movement, swirling around, unsure of where to go. Now they were back at school and she didn't know what was happening, what she and Finn _were._

She hadn't spoken much to him, or anyone for that matter, but she knew that she had to say something or else she'd never figure it all out. She'd just be stuck in a relationship she never decided to be a part of in the first place.

As Finn answered her, telling her how much he loved her and how much he had just wanted to kiss her one last time, telling her that it was all worth it for that one kiss, she knew that she should be happy.

A year ago, even just a couple months ago, she would have been happy. Rachel would have jumped for joy at the thought that Finn really loved her that much and she would have kissed him again, right there and then to let him know that she loved him too.

Right now, she just felt lost.

She was _supposed _to be happy that she and Finn could finally get back together but all she could think about was what Jesse had said.

_"He's just a boy, Rachel. He's just a boy! Do you honestly think he's the one? Do you really think he can make you happy?"_

Instead of Finn's voice flowing into her ears like the song they had sang together, it was Jesse's ringing loudly like an alarm.

"_He's not going to make it. And you won't either if you let him hold you back."_

The loss at Nationals, everyone hating them, risking their relationship was worth it all to Finn.

But was Finn worth it all to Rachel?

She tries to tell Finn that she's leaving. She's leaving for New York and she's never coming back.

"Graduation is a year away."

He says it like it's a secret that only the two of them are in on.

She should spend her senior year focusing on getting to Nationals again, applying to colleges, getting scholarships, not a boyfriend.

A boyfriend that can't come along with her anyway.

"_You were made for New York, Rachel. You can't let some stupid boy take that away from you. You've worked for this your whole life!"_

Finn is leaning towards her, saying things she can't hear. He's getting closer, and closer, and—

Rachel turns her head in the opposite direction and his lips brush her cheek instead.

"I can't get back together with you, Finn."

She doesn't look at him as she says it.

He quickly pulls away like he's been shocked by electricity.

"What? Why?" He asks, hurt in his eyes. "I thought we were on the same page here. I mean, you kissed me back, Rachel. And, and you held my hand and we still have time and—"

"I can't get back together with you." She repeats.

"Is it _him_?"

The words come out like ice and anger.

"This isn't about Jesse." She says, still not looking at Finn. "This is about you and me. And there just can't be a you and me anymore."

"I thought you still loved me." The words are quiet and vulnerable. He sounds like a child as he says it and she's afraid to look at him and see the hurt etched across his face.

She sucks in a sharp breath then lets it out slowly. A layer of tears forms on her eyes but they don't fall and she hopes to God that he doesn't cry either. She doesn't want to hurt him but she knows that it's inevitable.

"I thought I did too."

And just like that, she rises from the floor and leaves the library, not unlike she left the coffee shop just two days before. For the second time in less than a week, she leaves behind a boy who doesn't know what to do. He just knows that he loves her and he doesn't understand why she can't just love him back.

Finn wishes that he could have touched her. He would have grabbed on to her arm and pulled her down, kissing her again so that she could _feel _how much he loved her. Maybe then she would change her mind and love him back. Instead, the soft scent of Daisy by Marc Jacobs perfume lingers in the air, attaching itself to his cotton shirt, a scent that he can never seem to get out. When he gets home, he tears the shirt off and throws it on the floor in anger before picking it up again and carrying it with him to his bed where he cradles it against his face, closes his eyes, and breaths in, pretending that when he wakes up, it will all have been a dream. Instead of a shirt, it will be Rachel in bed with him. Her eyes will flutter open and she'll smile at him.

"Hi," She'll whisper. Then she'll kiss him softly on his lips.

That's not what happens though.

No, when he woke up, it wasn't a dream.

It was all real.


End file.
